Taking Secrets to the Grave

Secrets are hard to keep. On the other hand, some people are able to take secrets to their grave.

I have always known since I was a small child that I was adopted; in fact, it was a point of pride for me. I can remember telling my childhood friends that I was better than them because “my parents chose me (as opposed to their parents not being able to chose them).  My adoptive parents were very open: I knew names, locations, and the story behind the adoption of my brother and me (we are biological brother and sister).  So, for me, there were no secrets. But for my biological family, secrets were not found out until after the holders of the secret died.

Hattie & Elmer, 1972

You will notice in that last sentence that I said “holders of the secret.”  There was only one secret, but four holders of that secret: Elmer Vigoren (1903-1975) and Hattie Bourque Vigoren (1902-1985), my biological maternal grandparents; Violet Vigoren Curfman Evans Hendsbee (1923-1995), my biological mother; and Robert Douglas Evans (1919-2011), my biological father.

Let’s start with Elmer, Hattie, and Violet. Violet’s first marriage produced a child, Wayne Curfman (1941- ). Her marriage fell apart and she left Wayne with her parents. They still had a child at home, Harry Vigoren (1929-1946).  Then, Violet married again, Robert Evans. They had two children my brother Douglas (1948-2003) and me. The marriage was breaking apart, so the two of us were also left with Violet’s parents. Now, Elmer and Hattie had four children under their care. To make a long story short – my adoptive parents Frank and Florence Newhouse, adopted Douglas and me in 1949.

Through internet searches on my part to find medical information, I met my maternal biological family in 2002 (remember, I knew names). The family, for the most part, is living in California. Wayne Curfman, my half-brother, said that one day my brother and I were there, and then we were gone: He would have been about 8 years old at the time. The extended family would get together for Christmas, including my biological mother and grandparents, and there would be a discussion as to what happened to the “missing children.” My mother and grandparents knew where we were and what happened to us because they had kept in contact with my adoptive parents. However, never a word was said.

Violet & Robert, 1946

My father, Robert Evans, eventually remarried and had a family. He died in 2011, and his son (my half-brother) Robert Evans, Jr., and daughter-in-law, Barbara Stewart Evans, found me in 2012. They had requested his personnel records from the Department of Defense in order to find out about his various medals, awards, etc. In those records they saw a notation that in 1946 he had a wife and two dependents. They were shocked. Using the internet, they found me. Robert had never revealed to anyone in his family, including his siblings, that he had had a prior marriage. I had not tried too hard to find my birth father because of his somewhat common name and I knew he was from the St. Louis, Missouri, area. For me, there were just too many to try to go through.

So, my question is, how does someone keep a secret – like having children and even a marriage – to their death?

According to the July 2017 issue of Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, keeping secrets is “stressful because you . . . keep thinking about that information, which reminds you that you have a secret.”

So, did Elmer, Hattie, Violet, and Robert keep thinking about my brother and me? Did they want to share the secret but were afraid of the judgment of others? Did this secret cause them stress? I guess we’ll never know.

Keeping Secrets

Every family has secrets. In my journey through family history, I have found plenty of secrets. The secrets come from family members and from documents. At some point in time, secrets get revealed. So, let me reveal two family secrets.

My adoptive parents, Frank George Newhouse (1906-1972) and Florence Marie Swinburne Newhouse (1907-1997), were married on June 11, 1938, with the ceremony taking place in a park in Oronoco, Minnesota. My dad could never remember their wedding anniversary, and it seemed I had to remind him every year of that special date.  I never told my mom I was doing this. After he died in 1972, my mother was reminiscing and revealed to me that they had actually eloped (probably to Iowa). The reason:  My dad did not want anyone else dating his girlfriend.  I had to laugh. I now understood why he could never remember his “official” wedding day. 

Another secret involved an uncle on my adoptive dad’s side of the family.  John Leon “Jack” Newhouse (1882-1932) was a barber by trade and operated his own barber shop. As related to me by his niece and my dad’s sister, Elizabeth Newhouse Harman (1917-2006), John lived with another woman, Cora Graden (1879-1964), and her daughter, May Graden. Cora’s husband was Walter Graden (1878-1935):  They were not divorced. I was told this before I found evidence in the 1930 U.S. Federal census for Corvallis, Benton County, Oregon. In the census, John is listed as being single and as being Cora’s brother (which he was not). Cora is listed as being a widow; however, her husband was alive and well in California. Tracing Walter, I found a listing in the Find A Grave website. He and Cora are listed as husband and wife, and the picture of their headstone shows both of their names. Obviously, Cora was never a widow; but is the family secret true? Well, I did look at the 1920 U.S. Federal census, and found Cora operating the Pine Island (Minn.) Hotel; John was one of the boarders in the hotel. It is interesting that they both ended up at the same address in Oregon as brother and sister in the 1930 census. All I can say, based on the 1930 census, is that John and Cora lived together. The family innuendo was that they were passing themselves off as husband and wife, but as to proof – I found none other than they lived together.

Winston Churchill is quoted as saying, “Study history, study history. In history lies all the secrets of statecraft.” This could be changed to say, “Study genealogy, study genealogy. In genealogy lies all the secrets of family.”